... and a Goat in a Pe-e-ar Tree

Over the last several months, my Beloved has been dealing with his own production number, working on a joint Australian/Uzbekistani feature film, "Kimbung Jim Jams". Being the 'man on the ground' in our fair city he's been responsible for all the pre-production and organisation that goes into putting a film together.

This is a difficult enough task without the added complication of overseas producers that keep on changing their minds and driving us out of ours ...

The first challenge was the script which finally arrived ... in Uzbekistani. Not useful. An english translation eventually followed which revealed just a couple of small issues ... like locations that were not on the location list, characters not on the cast list, about a zillion extras, $20,000 in cash being dropped from a great height for the purposes of a dream sequence, and a goldfish required to jump out of its bowl on cue and perform a death defying leap into a drain.

Well, not so death defying actually ...

So for several weeks it was a matter of finding locations, taking pictures of them and sending them through to Uzbekistan. Same deal with actors and extras - take some footage, convert to streaming file and email to Uzbekistan where, after an inevitable delay of hours, days or even weeks (Uzbeki time seems to vary somewhat from ours) would come approval/rejection and another 'to do' list.

"How's it going?" I would ask with trepidation.

"Pear shaped" would be the invariable reply as some additional ludicrous request arrived via email.

My favourite moment was the weekend before shooting commenced and we discovered that a fairly significant character had not been cast. Message to my Beloved - "we have three possible candidates, could you please film auditions and send to us by 5.00pm today". No matter that the Parental Body and two of their friends were coming over for lunch - we just invited the auditionees to come to chez moi and perform in front of the assembled guests! Actually, it added some interest to lunch and we got to see 3 quite embarrassed chappies doing their own unique version of Punjab Hip Hop. What fun!

The first day of shooting finally arrived and my Beloved was off at some ridiculously early hour of the morning (having grunted once or twice in my general direction - his version of "Good morning, darling") to tackle the multi-national cast and crew, keep things on track and generally try to avoid anyone killing themselves or others.

This turned out to be a difficult task.

The culture clash became apparent immediately, with the Uzbekistani contingent showing a complete disregard for rules, regulations, health and safety issues ... and timelines. What was already a tight schedule over 5 days became a nightmare of 14, 16 and 18 hour shoots, no sleep and endless arguments between the Director and anyone who'd care to listen. Obviously the protocol in Uzbekistan is to do whatever you want with a bribe to the appropriate personages to smooth it over. Not how we do things in dear old Adelaide, however.

My Beloved became the "Mr No." of the production.

"No, you cannot climb onto that roof without safety gear."

"No, you cannot take a camera into the middle of a busy road withoout a permit, traffic cones and the police."

"No, you cannot fire a gun on set."

"No, we are not going to buy 20 identical goldfish so you can throw them down the drain one by one until you get the right shot."

We discovered that the word "Nazi", even when mumbled under the breath and in Uzbekistani still sounds like an insult. Added to all these problems was an Uzbekistani caterer who had an uncanny knack of disappearing whenever he was needed and leaving the delicious (not) Uzbekistani cuisine he'd whipped up in a hot van for several hours. Four cases of food poisoning reported so far ...

At last it was over, however, and the wrap was celebrated with the delightful Australian crew members and a late night trip to the local karaoke bar - scene of Arizaphale's recent triumph (hem hem).

However, it appears that my career as a part-time, unpaid production assistant is far from over. Once he's finished standing in for [CENSORED] on [CENSORED] it'll be straight back into pre-production for a TV pilot and even larger bi-national feature film next year. Can't wait!

PS - why the Goat, you ask? Literal translation of Kimbung Jim Jams from Uzbekistani.

PPS - no goldfish were harmed in the making of this movie.